My head is pounding. My eyes are swollen. My nose is running and I've shouted myself hoarse.
Just another morning trying to get my 4 year old out the door to preschool.
I don't know what happened. At the beginning of the school year, he loved it. LOVED it. Loved his teachers, loved his new friends. Loved walking to the playground, loved arts and crafts. Couldn't wait for his turn at snack day.
Then we had Christmas vacation. And come January, all of a sudden every morning was a battle of wills that escalated into a war of hysteria. Every. Morning.
It's March 18. I've been fighting with him every morning since the first week of January. I think I've reached the point of surrender.
Max never went to preschool. Max is a well-socialized, smart and happy little homeschooler.
Milo is not Max.
Milo is aggressive. Milo is willful and ornery. Milo is grumpy and, frankly, a little unloveable a lot of the time. He's been like this (and by that I mean pretty much impossible to live with) since....well....since about the time he decided he didn't like school any more.
Is school the cause of his change in behavior? Or is hating school just part of him being difficult? Is he just four? Is that all this is?
When I ask him why he doesn't want to go to school, he says "Because it's BORING," and "Because it's too long until moms and dads come," which really gives me no insight into what's really going on. I've talked to his teachers. They say, "Oh, well, he's really fine when he's here....." but that doesn't really tell me much. Is he fine, in that he doesn't misbehave? Or is he fine because he's having fun, because once I frog-march him in the door and leave him, he actually DOES like school? How can I really know the answer to that, anyway?
I have tried so many tactics. I put him to bed earlier. He won't go to sleep. I wake him up slowly and gently with snuggles and kisses. He burrows under the covers and refuses to open his eyes. I whip the covers off and go all up-and-at-'em. He screams "I HATE YOU." I point out that he'll miss his friends. He doesn't care. I point out that he'll miss his teachers. He doesn't care. I plan fun things to do after school as bribery. It doesn't work. I tell him that if he stops going to school, he will have to school here, that Max and I do school when he's at school and it's not all playing Legos and watching cartoons. He says he WANTS to do homeschool. Does he? Will he? Or does he just want to be home, and he's saying what he thinks I want to hear?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I do know that I can't do this screaming crying morning thing any more. I don't like being that person. That's not the mom I want to be. That's not the kid I want to have. That's not the day I want to have. I am moments away from notifying the school that he won't be returning. I am moments away from resolving once again that he will go to f-ing preschool tomorrow if it kills me.
I really, really don't know what to do. I'm failing, no matter what.